Nightmares
by stillskies
Summary: [Complete] Hisoka isn't the only one who has nightmares... TsuSoka
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimers: I do not own Yami no Matsuei… I can only hope…

AN: This is my first dip into the Yami no Matsuei fandom, so please be gentle. Review, review, review! I worship those who review… -grin-

AN2: The story is first person point of view. The POVs will go back and forth between Hisoka and Tsuzuki each chapter. Chapter 1 will be Hisoka's POV, whereas Chapter 2 will be Tsuzuki's, and so forth.

AN3: Thank you to the wonderful Neko Kate-chan, who beta read this for me. You should all read her stuff. It's awesome!

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Nightmares  
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**Hisoka's Point of View**

Tsuzuki and I have been partners for over a year, but it wasn't until three months ago that I had finally seen him sleep. We've been on countless assignments, and since Tatsumi-san is very conscientious of the budget, he tends to always book a one-bedroom hotel when Tsuzuki and I are on assignment.

I had never noticed that I had never seen my partner sleep. I had always assumed that he went to bed around the same time as I did, but woke up early. After all, you'd think he'd be all doom and gloom without sleep, and he is anything but doom and gloom. He's always cheerful, so I had always assumed he slept.

We were on assignment in Kyoto when I realized that Tsuzuki never slept. For five days I stayed up, just watching him stare blankly at nothing. The first night I just couldn't sleep. We had seen Muraki and whenever I see him, I can never sleep for fear of the nightmares being worse than they usually are.

I had just lain there, deciding that as soon as my partner was asleep, I would go for a walk outside. I watched Tsuzuki watch me through half-closed eyes. As he just watched me, his bright, cheerful demeanor began to fade. It wasn't until I saw the dead look in his eyes that I realized that this wasn't the man I knew.

After a while, Tsuzuki tired of staring at me, and began to stare at the wall. I know he was staring at something that only he could see because he didn't notice when I sat up and stared at him. It wasn't until I moved that his head snapped in my direction.

I had feigned a yawn and mumbled something about wanting water. I can't really remember what I said. I was too preoccupied with my thoughts. As soon as he looked at me, the cheerful façade had reestablished itself, carefully hiding the real Asato Tsuzuki from me.

It was at that moment that I realized that the man I knew, the man I trusted with my life, the man I was learning to love was a fraud. He wasn't the Tsuzuki I knew. I had just glimpsed the real Tsuzuki, and I began to worry.

I stayed up the next night, and the night after that, just watching him. He made no sound, and he never slept. By the end of the fourth day, I was exhausted. I hadn't slept since we got there, and neither had Tsuzuki. The difference between us was that he was safely hidden in his façade during the day, happy and energetic, while I was surlier and easier to anger.

I finally slept on the last night we were there. I was watching Tsuzuki, and before I knew it, I had drifted off.

The next couple of assignments, I did the same thing. I watched him as he stared blankly. Each assignment, I tried to subtly find out why he didn't sleep, but I couldn't say much unless I wanted to give myself away.

Slowly, I began to open up to him, hoping that in doing so, he'd open up to me.… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

I had asked Wakaba to put together a list of all of Tsuzuki's past partners that were still in JuOhCho. She had given me the list almost immediately, explaining that she hadn't been around as long as he had, and that she only knew of the partners he'd had while she was here.

I had thanked her and started searching for the people on the list. Many of them I didn't know, but I introduced myself to them all and asked them the same question: Did Tsuzuki ever sleep during assignments?

All of them said that he didn't. Some said that he was too preoccupied with the fact that he was about to kill someone that he couldn't sleep. Others said he just didn't need sleep.

There was only one more person I could ask, and his name wasn't on the list. Tatsumi.

When I had asked Tatsumi this question, he just looked at me. Looking me straight in the eye, he said, "Only once, and he never did again after that." Without another word, he walked away.  
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I lay in the bed with Tsuzuki on my right. I finally know why he never slept. He didn't want me to know about them.

His nightmares.

I still don't know what they are about, exactly. I just know that the tamest ones are worse than my worst Muraki dream. But I have an escape from my nightmares. Whenever he is with me, Muraki can't harm me. Tsuzuki brings me comfort and sanctuary from my nightmares. He's my safe haven.

I wish I could do the same for him.

I found out about his nightmares three months ago. I still don't know why he decided to sleep. Maybe he was just exhausted and couldn't stay up, or maybe he decided that I might understand. Whatever the reason, he slept.

It was screaming that woke me. His bloodcurdling scream. I tried to wake him, but he was too deep into the dream to awake.

I was scared. I didn't know what to do. My mind raced, trying to think of a way to calm him. A sudden movement brought my attention back to him. His right arm was poised over his left arm. A sudden swipe down, and I realized belatedly that he was harming himself.

I reacted on instinct. I grabbed his arm and restrained him by pinning his arms to his side. I encircled his waist, squeezing tightly to keep him from harming himself. After a while, he quieted.

As soon as I pulled away, the screaming began again. I once again restrained him. It wasn't until I had restrained him for the third time that I realized that my holding him calmed him.

It didn't keep the nightmares away, but it… Lessened them somehow.

Now I lay here, Tsuzuki held lightly in my arms, as he usually was when we were on assignment, and I sigh.

I want to make his nightmares go away. I want him to be happy always. After that first week of him sleeping and my holding him, he began to drop the façade little by little. I was slowly beginning to know the real Asato Tsuzuki, and I'm glad.

I love Tsuzuki. He's my strength when we're awake, my savior when I'm in trouble, my sanctuary from Muraki while I sleep. He is the one who protects me from anything and everything. I want to do that for him.

I need to be strong. Not for myself, but for him. He's strong for me, and I need to be strong for him.

I don't know what haunts him in his past, but I want to help him deal with it. I want to be the reason that he smiles.

I know that I should tell him, but we don't talk about these things. Every morning, he wakes up in my arms, and looks at me. A grateful smile will greet me when I wake, and then he gently disentangles himself from me, and starts his day.

He never leaves me until I'm awake, and I can't help but wonder why.

AN: That's the end of the first chapter… Review please!


	2. Chapter 2

**Tsuzuki's POV**

I wake up with Hisoka's arms around me, and I feel peaceful. I never want to leave.

I know that one day he's going to ask about my nightmares just as I asked him about his. I know that I won't be able to lie to him. I don't want to, and I'm too tired to.

It's not an exhaustion type of tired. No, it's a mental tiredness. Tatsumi noticed it, and he's kept an eye on me since. I've been known to do suicidal antics when I'm mentally tired.

I think Tatsumi knows that I won't do anything, though. It would hurt Hisoka, and I can't bring myself to do that.

Sometimes I wonder if it was just better to not sleep at all, but I knew that if I didn't sleep, neither would Hisoka. At first, I took little notice that he stayed awake to watch me as I tortured myself with my past, but after a few months, I realized that he was worried about me. He wasn't sleeping because he was worried about me not sleeping.

A part of me didn't want to sleep around him. I think it's because I was afraid of what his reaction would have been to my nightmares. After all, the one person I had trusted enough to sleep next to had looked on me with disgust and annoyance the day after.

Even though I knew Tatsumi didn't mean it that way, he didn't try to comfort me through my nightmare. The first night I slept with Hisoka in the room, he had comforted me. He restrained me before I could do harm to myself, and he held me while I slept.

Tatsumi had allowed me to mutilate myself, knowing I'd be healed in the morning.

I don't blame Tatsumi for his actions. I honestly expected Hisoka to do the same, but he surprised me. Even though I was asleep, in my dream world, I felt Hisoka hold me, felt him restrain me, heard him call to me.

I wanted nothing but to wake up, as I do every night, but I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to wake up until the montage was over, and there are so many montages in my mind. I have them memorized. I could explain them in detail, but to do so would be to destroy my façade completely.

I have to be happy and cheerful. For as long as I could remember, I have been depressed. I was different from everyone else when I was a child, so I was constantly beaten and teased. The only one who would protect me was my sister, and she died.

I had promised her as she lay dying that I would be happy. I haven't broken that promise yet.

I will be happy for as long as I remain in this state of limbo. I'm not alive, and I'm not dead. Until I can get the courage to cross completely, I must be happy.

It's only around Hisoka that I can let the façade slip and not break my promise. He brings me a quiet kind of happiness. I can let my eyes go dead, I can cry silent tears when I'm with him, and he won't judge.

Those rare times when I do let the façade slip during the day around him, he just gently closes the door to our office and holds me. He never does more, but he doesn't need to. We both understand.

He loves me. I know he does. It's in his every action, in the way he looks at me. I have no uncertainties about whether or not he loves me, and yet, I can't confess to him.

I can't tell him I love him, or the sins of my past. I can't. As much as I wish I could, there is that voice in the back of my mind that says that Hisoka could never love a murderer, an abomination.

I stare at Hisoka, sleeping peacefully beside me. His lips are slightly parted, and his wheat colored hair covers his closed eyes. He isn't perfect, but it's his imperfections that make him perfect.

My imperfections make me a monster. A killer.

A single tear escapes my eye. As if sensing my sadness, he wakes up and stares at me.

I can't take it. The deceit, the charade of who I should be versus who I am, the unrelenting pain of my past. All of it wells up inside me and I cry silently.

Tears escape my eyes until a steady stream has emerged. I never make a sound, and Hisoka's eyes never waver from my face.

Hesitantly, he lifts one small hand from my waist and raises it to my face. Gently, he brushes away my tears. The thoughtful, caring gesture wrenches more tears from me.

I close my eyes. I can't look him in the eyes anymore, yet I can't turn away.

His lips brush my cheeks, and I realize he's kissing my tears away. I open my eyes and look at him. I can sense the despair rising in me.

"Tsuzuki," he whispers. "Let me help you. I can't help you if you won't let me." A tear escapes his eyes, and it's followed by another. I know he's crying for me, but I don't know why.

"You can't help a monster, Hisoka," I whisper bitterly.

He kisses me. It's a chaste kiss, just a gentle pressing of his lips against mine, but it's enough to break me, and he can sense that.

"Let down your shields," he whispers. "You shield even in your sleep to protect me. Let me protect you."

Slowly, I nod. Taking a deep breath, I begin to break down all of the shields that I've had for so long. I don't know how many I have, but I do know that no one in JuOhCho, or EnMachOh for that matter, can shield as well as I can.

There is one more shield to go, and I hesitate. I'm still pressed up against Hisoka's chest, and I just can't bring myself to do it. He's empathic, and his power is heightened by touch. I know my emotions are too strong for him and that it will hurt him. I can't do that to him.

He senses my hesitation, and he gently kisses me again. The kiss is frustrated. He wants to help me, but I won't let him. I'm being selfish, but I can't hurt him.

He's trying to put me at ease, trying to get me to lower my last shield. He doesn't know what he's doing; yet he won't give up. His desperation to help me, to heal me, is there in his kiss.

I pull away from the kiss first, a little out of breath from the contact. I look at my partner for validation that he's sure he can do this; that he wants to do this. His eyes never waver as he nods his head.

Taking a deep breath, I lean back into him and kiss him. As his mouth opens to allow my tongue entrance, I lower my last shield.

And I swallow Hisoka's screams.

AN: Thanks to my great beta, Neko Kate-chan… Review please!

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed already... Ola, No.27X (Love the name...), and, of course, Shuichi Shindou-Uesugi. Thanks for the long review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Hisoka's POV**

At first, all I could sense was his hesitation, his worry. But as he kissed me, as his tongue asked entrance inside my mouth, he forced his worry away and lowered the last shield.

His emotions flooded through me. They pierced me and made my blood run cold. My soul screamed from the darkness that Tsuzuki held within him as I screamed from the emotional onslaught I was recieving.

Hatred, Self-loathing. Regret. Worthlessness. Hopelessness.

I have only been able to sense emotion, but Chief Konoe had informed me once that I could pick up memories associated with the emotions. I had never tried to see someone's memory, even though the Chief had taught me how, but now I did.

Every horrible emotion Tsuzuki felt, I went through his memories. I can only remember fragments, but even those fragments are enough to make me angry on his behalf, to want to hold him and comfort him.

_Tsuzuki ran. His classmates were close on his heals, and he knew that if he could cross the street, he'd be safe._

_A rock appeared in his line of sight, but it was too late. He tripped, and his classmates caught up with him._

_The other children rained kicks and punches on his small body. He hadn't had time to roll into a ball before the abuse started. With each blow, a new insult was tossed at him._

"_Demon-child!"_

"_Monster!"_

"_You're not normal! You're an abomination!"_

I wish I could help him, but all I can do is scream. Scream for them to stop, even though they can't hear me.

Another memory begins to take shape, and I have to choke back a scream.

_Blood was everywhere, and Tsuzuki sat in the middle of it. The broken bodies of several people lay strewn about around him._

_Tears streamed down Tsuzuki's face as he rocked back and forth. He was chanting, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again._

The memory begins to fade, only to be replaced by another one, each more horrible than the last. I don't know how long I sifted through his memories, but I didn't care.

_Tsuzuki sat on a bed, staring blankly at the wall. The room was sterilized and smelled like a room at a hospital._

_A man entered the room and began speaking. Tsuzuki couldn't make out what he was saying, just continued to stare blankly. The man left, and Tsuzuki continued staring._

_That night, he attempted suicide again. This time he made the cuts longer and deeper. Dragging his wrists against the jagged edge of his bed, Tsuzuki went over each cut a total of ten times._

_Blood flowed down his wrists, faster and faster. The blood dripped on the floor at his feet and soon a puddle appeared._

_Tsuzuki felt his heartbeat slow, and hope rose in him. Hope that this time, he would die._

Tears stream down my face as I watch. I can't stop him. I am forced to watch as he bleeds to death.

Yet he doesn't die. This time.

I go through several memories similar to this. Several suicide attempts. I watch helplessly has he tries to kill himself to escape his pain.

I sense his relief at finally being allowed to die. I watch as the Count escorts his soul to the Ministry of Hades.

I watch as he's offered the position of Shinigami. And I watch as he kills.

I watch as the faces of every person he has killed, personally or inadvertently, flashes across his mind.

So many people, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is how each and every one of them affects him.

More memories wash over me, and I can't control them. I scream.

Suddenly, I'm staring at Tsuzuki's eyes. Beautiful violet eyes thatare haunted by a terrible past.

I can't speak, and I can tell that my silence is making him withdraw. I don't want that, but I don't know what to say. There is nothing to say to someone who's been through what he's been through.

My mind racing, I look for a way to show him that it's okay. Without thinking, I kiss him. I let all of the love I have for him, all of the sympathy, everything that I am fill the kiss.

He responds, and I relax. I haven't lost him.

I know that my reaction had the power to push him over the edge of sanity, that he wants, no, needs,to be accepted and loved. I have the power to help him, and that knowledge brings me hope.

I cannot fix him. He's too far gone to be fixed. The best I can do is be there for him. Help him heal.Love him.

That I can do, and I will.

AN: One more chapter to go, then it's over. Thanks to my wonderful beta, Neko Kate-chan. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed!

Asasoka: Well, I can't really say that they end up together, per se, because, frankly, the way I end it is, well... You'll see. grin Glad you're enjoying it though. They kissed again! Yay! grin

ThisbeCeyx: Thank you for saying it's beautiful... grin I think it's disturbing, but then... Well... I dunno. LOL Anyway, I was trying for different, and I guess I got it! Yay!

No.27X: What can I say? I'm into cliffhangers... But... Well... This didn't end in one. So, yay me? LOL Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying it so far...

Eliante: Gotta say, I like that sentence, too. grin Hope you enjoy the rest of it!

Yaoi-Hunter: Thanks for the nice review... I didn't like the end, but out of the three possible endings, that one was best... (And, no, I don't have the other endings saved... pout)

Weird Aly Evil: Glad you're interested. grin And I updated, so yay me! LOL Hope you continue to enjoy...

Miyu-Chan: poof Cliffhanger banished! Yay!


	4. Chapter 4

**Tsuzuki's POV**

I can't be brought back, for I am too far gone.

I have told myself that for so long, and I believe it. I have given up on the thought of peace and comfort in my life. I told myself not to hope for the impossible.

Hisoka is holding me as I cry again. He's whispering words of comfort in my ear, and I cry harder. He wants to fix me, but I can't be fixed.

I want to tell him he's wasting his time, that I'm a worthless cause, but I'm selfish. I want him to hold me. I want him to love me.

But how can he love me? I've done horrible things in my life. I killed myself to escape my pain, only to bring myself more.

Against my will I raise my left arm and stare at my wrist. Hisoka notices because he too stares.

Mottled scars greet my sight. Jagged and white, the scars bear testimony to the wish to escape. My eyes trace them and I shudder.

There are so many, but I knew which one I'm looking for.

It was the deepest cut, and it's the ugliest scar. The skin was raised and it stood out the most.

"How could something that freed me look so ugly," I whisper.

Gentle fingers trace the scar and I close my eyes, savoring the touch. He says nothing, but continues to trace the scar from beginning to end several times.

He's still holding me.

I cast my mind through my memories, briefly reliving each and every one as Hisoka holds me and traces the scar that brought me freedom.

"Why?" It's a simple question, a question I desperately need to know the answer to, so I ask. I know that I don't need to elaborate because he'll know what I mean. He always does.

He's silent for a moment before answering. I know he's picking his words carefully because he pauses suddenly.

"Because I love you," he begins. A pause, then he continues. "I want to help you as you've helped me." Another pause, then he finishes, his voice a whisper. "I want to be worthy of you. I want you to love me."

I gently pull my hand from his grasp and wrap my arms around him. We hold each other, and we are content for the moment.

I know the contentment won't last, but I pray it does. I hold him close to me. His light can destroy my darkness. He can bring me back, he can save me.

But do I want him to?

"Hisoka, I do love you." I kiss him, illustrating my statement. He closes his eyes and leans into the kiss the little distance that's left to lean. I pull away. "But I'm not worthy of you. I can't change. I've been this way for too long, and, although I want to change for you, I don't know how."

He looks at me, his expression serious. I think he's going to kiss me, but he realizes that a kiss isn't going to make it better. Instead, he pulls me closer to him. "I won't force you to change. I want to help you, and I want to be with you."

I look up at him, and in the dark, I can tell he's blushing. A small smile blooms on my face as I see this.

I know I can't change, but I will try. For Hisoka, I will try.

I cannot be brought back, for I am too far gone.

I have given this thought life for too long, and now it's controlling me. It's time for me to take control of my life. If not for my own state of mind, then for Hisoka.

I am scared. I don't know how to change, and I've told him so. He says he doesn't want me to change, not if I don't want to.

He deserves better than me. Far better, yet he still chooses to be with me. I do not understand why he stays. No one else has stayed this long, yet he won't leave.

I love him, and I want to be the person he deserves. I will try to be that person, and I know that he will help me.

Gently, he lays us down on the bed. My head rests on his chest, and I just lay silently until his breathing slows.

He's asleep, and I watch him.

I'm scared that if I sleep, I'll dream. I don't want to disturb him, but I know that I can no longer allow the fear to control me.

I begin to steady my breathing, matching it to the sleeping man beside me. My body begins to relax, and I remember, for the first time in years, the night I died.

I had slit my wrists again. I had to keep cutting them to keep the blood flowing.

I knew that I was free when my body began to relax and darkness edged my vision. I remember smiling as death took me.

I was free.

Now my body relaxes again, and darkness closes in around me, but it's not death. It's only sleep.

I am still not free, but with him beside me, I have hope, however small, that I one day will be.

And it will be all for him, because he believes in me, and he loves me.

Finished-

AN: Dark, huh? sigh I don't typically do angst, but this just kept coming out angsty, so I surrendered… Thanks to my wonderful beta, Neko Kate-chan… The next one won't be angst, I promise. Review, and let me know what you thought.

Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed this story! I wasn't sure how well it wasgoing to be recieved, but yay for good reception!

Silent Darkness Tsumiko: Wow. My story is intriguing? Yay me! LOL Last update, so I hope you enjoyed!

Notta-chan::accepts cookie bribe: Update accomplished. grin Thanks for the awesome feedback! Really glad you liked it enough to gush. Authors love to hear that their work touches people, and I'm very flattered you feltthe emotion...

Morbid Flower : Final chapter, hope you're not too disappointed, but it's sort of bittersweet ending, huh? Thanks for the reviews for all THREE chapters. grin

Dark Sapphire Dragon: You need no longer wait! Here ya go! I wanted to explore their partnership, but it didn't turn out the way I was aiming... Oh well... Glad you liked!

Polynesia: Yay! I'm loved! It's okay that you read and don't review... I'm not crying or anything... hides in corner, sniffling But anyways, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Although, I'm not sure how you get fluffy... I think more dark and angst, but if you say fluff, then who am I to argue? LOL Thanks for the review!

Whyfel: Glad you like angst, seeing as that's what this is. grin Thanks for the review.

Well, that's it for this story everyone... It was an experience writing it, and I'll be back with more LIGHT YnM stories... Soon... I hope... If there isn't anything in a week, start pestering me. It'll probably be the only way to get me away from my other current story... sigh Hope you all enjoyed!


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